Note of my B-Day: Say Hello to a Goodbye
Today is my Birthday and I take this chance to say hello to a big goodbye. It is very personal because the person I sent this goodbye to used to be the one who brought sunlight to me every moment I were thinking of him.
He suddenly jumped into my life, saying he was in Saigon at this and that time, and we should meet after two years of not hearing from each other. I wasn’t sure of what it meant but happily to see him as an old friend. Things went like it couldn’t be different afterward. He insisted to meet again and again despite my suspicion. When I finally surrendered to his dates, I also wasn’t sure of how far that was going to go.
It lasted for two years. And during the last two years he repeatedly saying he loved me, but at the same time mentioned he wasn’t serious to commit. I confused all the time and all the time I had to constraint myself of not to miss him, not to think of him, not to build my life around him. It meant I had to live twice stronger to the fact that he sometimes showed up to my city. There were plenty of moments I felt lost and hated him for the awkward situation I was in. I am single and it is very normal I can have a boyfriend. No one is against that. In fact everyone knows me would have been happy for me. Why couldn’t he do that? Why couldn’t I draw a line on that? All the silly things I have relied on to justify the situation weren’t have a platform to stand on at all. They are just silly. I was just silly.
Last month, during the Vietnam’s Independence Holiday, he wrote me a letter saying he couldn’t make any move to be with me officially. Of course that shouldn’t be any problem since I was trying too hard to not think of him as much as I could. But God knows that there was time I just so into him. When I travelled and lived in the peaceful simple life, I know all the things one person should have dreamt about was an easy life with ones’s partner. Nothing much. I thought people are crazy to forget about their happiness in trading for those activities making them tiring all the time.
After reading his e-mail, I went out bursting. I still felt lucky I didn’t do anything that later I had to regret. After that night, I ran out of energy to think of anything relating to him. I was just so drawn up. And I felt my heart gradually became lighter day after day. It wasn’t like the heart-break my second boyfriend did to me. This time, it was much easier because I simply gave up and accepted the fact. It was no commitment from the inception. It was no confirmation of girlfriend-boyfriend thing from the very beginning. It was just sth that shouldn’t have happened already happened.
Even though we never acknowledged each other officially, I still want to consider him as my third boyfriend. I wrote about him when I was in Hoi An – the City I will be living in later. He was the first non-Vietnamese boyfriend I ever had and the most sincere person I ever met. He could end up killing me if he was Vietnamese because if so, he would lie. Thanks Him and Thanks God he didn’t lie so I didn’t rely on a bigger dream that later could intoxicate my whole life. I know the result was bitter but at least, he was sincere to me and I could walk away from him as easy as I am just now.
I didn’t write back to him and I wish he know how I feel. We’d better leave things go back to its previous balance. After him, I know better the type of man that can make life blossom in pairs for me. Thanks Him for that. We both should live well on the path we choose. This is a goodbye, but isn’t just a goodbye but a hello to a happy life at first.
- Posted in: Personal Story
